I’m writing this to let you know that I’m a fraud. That the girl you’ve seen through your tiny little screen isn’t real. She doesn’t exist. The girl smiling in those photos and writing those words is a hypocrite. I’m a hypocrite. I talk about making your dreams a reality and loving yourself every step of the way. I write to inspire you. To create content that provides some kind of value. But honestly, most of the time, I find myself bleeding lies onto the paper. Onto the screen. It’s not that I don’t believe what I’m saying; I do. It’s just that most of the time, I can’t seem to follow my own advice. Sometimes I feel like I have to lie in order to inspire. Because I find myself wondering who would want to listen to me? I absolutely don’t have my shit together. Who says my words have any value? Who says that I have any worth? That I have any inspiration to provide? I find myself writing as if I am the person I wish could be. Rather than who I actually am. Because the truth is, I am broken. A shadow of myself. Pretending. Fighting a war against myself. And losing. But I’m writing this now because I am tired of pretending. I’m tired of playing all the characters that I think you want me to be. I’m tired of writing what I think you want to read. Maybe the real me doesn’t care about inspiring you. Maybe I just want to write and share my truth. For me. For my healing. For my growth. For my own inspiration. Whether or not you find my words valuable or interesting is none of my business. Maybe I’m just here to create. Maybe the sharing of my work is not meant to get a reaction out of you or to seek validation of my talents. Maybe instead I share in order to spark that unbearable, excruciating and wonderful feeling of exposing a piece of my heart to the world. Of leaving my mark. Maybe I write because it makes me feel alive. Maybe I write because creating is my way of discovering my truth. Of healing.
So, starting now, today, this very moment, my plan is no longer to write for your pleasure. It is not my job to inspire you. That’s something you must figure out for yourself. It’s a treasure hunt. A massive puzzle with pieces from all over the place that fit together to create a world that you wish to live in. Maybe my writing or my art will provide a piece or two for you. But my job is not to pretend to be a person that inspires. My job is to figure out who I am and to live true to that with every last breath in my lungs. I might not have everything figured out or always have the most inspiring words to say. I may have nothing of value to give to you. You may not give a shit about what I create or what I choose to share. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s good. Because quite honestly, I’m tired of your opinion influencing my creation. I’m tired of your opinion influencing the way I feel about myself. My body. My art. My life. Your opinion is absolutely valid and so important. But I’m tired of living my life according to what I believe are your needs and desires. I’m done living my life for you. But don’t worry. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s not you; it’s me. I need to start over. To wipe the slate clean. Cut myself open, and let all the poison drain out. To let go of all the expectations I have collected from all the people in my life – both real and imaginary. I need to build myself one brick at a time, and mend my wounds along the way. Because I have plenty of wounds. We all do. And while it’s often true that we find inspiration outside of ourselves, we need to start relying more on the inspiration within us. Because that puzzle I mentioned? The foundational pieces can’t be found in someone else’s art. The puzzle cannot be complete without your own magic fairy dust. You must inspire yourself. You must create. Whatever that means to you. Maybe creation is our medicine. Maybe we must begin to create in order to heal.
So, who am I and what am I here to say, you ask? I’m not sure yet. But I AM sure that I’m going to keep writing, and maybe I’ll figure it out on the way. Maybe you’ll like it. Maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll find some value in what I share. Maybe you’ll feel inspired. But no matter how you view me or my work, I love you. And I thank you for existing in exactly the way you were meant to exist. No matter how you view my work, I’m not going to ever let it influence what I create. Never again. Your opinion is none of my business. I will create for me. To keep the blood flowing in my veins. To keep the breath circulating through my body. I create so that I can exist. In the way I was meant to. And despite what my mind likes to tell me, I DO have value. I AM worthy. I AM inspirational. But these things don’t come from pretending. They come from truth. Truth is where real inspiration lies. From now on, I’ll just be over here discovering mine, my truth, one moment, one word, one creation, at a time. Will you join me? Let’s break this life open and discover the inspiration inside of us all. Let’s create. Let’s share. And above all, let us love. Remember, you create for YOU. Don’t let the opinions of others cloud your view. Your art is perfect. You are perfect.