I used to think that I had to share every day if I wanted you to like me. That consistent, engaging, upbeat content was the only way to keep you here. That if I skipped one day – if I took anytime away from this little screen to actually live my life – you would leave. And if you left, that would say something about me. If you left, that must mean I’m uninteresting. I’m worthless. I’m nothing. I used to think that I had to share every day, and I had to share what you wanted to see. I had to pay attention to the posts that received the most engagement, and stick to that. Post more of that. Regardless of what I WANTED to post. Regardless of how I was feeling inside. Regardless of the obsession that had begun to grow around this tiny screen and the world that lives within it. Regardless of the constant comparison and self-loathing that follows. I used to think that I had to live my life in a way that would make you double tap. That would make you follow me. I used to think that I had to document every ounce of my life – to share with you – to make you like me – instead of experiencing it. Enjoying it. Feeling it. Living it. I used to think that what you thought about me and the life I shared was more important than that life itself. That your opinion of the facade of my perfect life was more important than how I feel in my own skin from one moment to the next.
I’ve realized that I’m not here for you. My life is not meant to be lived to please you. My life is meant to be lived. Period. It’s meant to be experienced with all five of my senses. It’s meant to be felt. And the only one who I need to please is myself. So that means – I share when I want to share. I share WHAT I want to share in the way I want to share it. The things you see here are not meant for your pleasure. They are a curation of me. My life. My love. My creations. My tears. If that makes you want to leave, that’s okay. I don’t mind. Because this isn’t about you. If my random, inconsistent posts go against what you think this world is about, find a new life to follow. If my aesthetic doesn’t meet your standards, then you can leave. It’s okay. But I’m gonna keep doing me. Because sometimes, life doesn’t match. It’s not perfect. The colors and moods don’t always coincide. Life is chaos. Beautiful, terrible chaos. I am here to share a little bit of mine. But more importantly, I am here, on this planet, to live my life – in this moment. The only moment there is. This little screen is great for connection and inspiration. But it’s not everything. Don’t forget that.
Don’t forget that.